Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
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My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …