dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.