Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
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It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
i love modern commerce
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain