Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
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DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3