[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I beg your pardon?
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!