A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
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For anyone who needs this today
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.