Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
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The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.