Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
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the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Damn what did I do next
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.