The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*