Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
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me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.