“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
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in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
giddy up Office Depot
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
inventing words: clothing
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards