Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
A double negative is a big no-no.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
How do you milk an almond?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.