Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
You Might Also Like
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.