It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
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Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house