My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
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Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.