Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
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Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Cheer up.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.