Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
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Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account