I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
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Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
im all 3
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no