Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
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Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what