ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
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If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds