what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.