Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
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date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.