I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
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The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.