There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
You Might Also Like
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.