Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight