Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
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Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like