I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
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Name another movie that mislead you?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air