Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
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Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
The cashier just checked me out.