[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
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My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?