dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
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I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.