if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
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it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer