boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
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When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Twitter fine art
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Sorry not sorry.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.