burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
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I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN