The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
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When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Happy Halloween 🎃
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.