[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
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This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…