If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
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Bless you
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are