It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
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My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.