Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
You can’t outrun your problems…
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Breaking news:
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”