“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.