[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
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For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.