Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
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I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.