I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
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See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.