[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
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if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face