Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
You Might Also Like
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree