Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
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me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
live, laugh, laundry.