Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*limbos away from your hug*
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*