Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
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ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
sigh
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*