[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
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“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?