A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
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One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My therapist after every session
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
#Caturday
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*