just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
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Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.